52

 

 

 

 

 

I cried last night. (Actually, this entry was composed a couple of weeks ago now but you get the idea.)

 

Yes, that’s right.  For those of you who know me, this is a rare occasion.  I’d like to say it was because of some precious moment with my children or some alarmingly tragic event but, alas, it was not.

 

It was more about coming to terms with truth.  While sitting at my dining room table, the window reflected back a reality that brought me to tears. I walked upstairs and weighed myself after this visual revelation and discovered the naked (sorry for the visual) truth: 207 pounds.

 

Not okay.

 

It seems so trite to say that I am that shallow but perhaps I am.  I am in mourning for a lost person – the one hiding under the extra 52 pounds.   I don’t look like myself anymore and I know why:  I have neglected and indulged in indecent proportions and I am reaping what I have sown.  Perhaps it is tragic, after all.

 

The last time I cried was when my 9-year-old daughter, Gwyneth, crossed the finish line for her 5K run in the top thirty of her 1000 girl heat.  I was overwhelmed with pride.  Now, I am overwhelmed with shame.  I couldn’t have run that distance with her and I want to be able to next year at this time.

 

 

In the past, I have found that truth is like that: a bit of a slap in the face.  It’s a wake up call to reality and you can’t pretend it away. That number is the truth and it is staring me in the face:  207.

 

And, as if the reflection and the scale were not enough, the facts were made abundantly clear when I started my afternoon shopping for clothes.  Ugh.  I hate shopping, even at the best of times (and sizes).  I’d rather live inside my head – in thoughts, and music and creative ideas – but, alas, God saw fit for me to live in this body and it must be clothed.

 

Brace yourselves: I specifically went to shop for active wear and bathing suits!  Talk about an exercise in discouragement.  I mean, couldn’t I just have another baby?  That seems far less painful! (Just kidding kids, it is far more painful, don’t be fooled.)

 

However, this issue isn’t about baby fat, though I would like to justify my overeating and blame my four little monkeys for it.  It isn’t about stress, though 10 months of full-time teaching, taking care of 4 kids and a complete home renovation is enough to put anyone over the edge. It isn’t about other health concerns, either.  All my excuses and justifications don’t amount to anything substantial other than a higher dress size.

 

Simply put, it is about disobedience:  I know what I ought to do but I do not do it.

 

There is no magic formula to weight loss or health, despite millions of articles and books and programs that want you to believe otherwise.  This is all there is to it:  eat less, move more.  The trick is to actually eat less and move more.  That is what I must do.

 

Here’s the bottom line:  I have a self-discipline problem.  I do need to figure out how to live in this body after all.  And I need to do it in a way that honours God to maintain any spiritual integrity.

 

So, I am giving myself a specific goal:  52 pounds in 52 weeks.  And you, my dear readers (Jason, Loreli, Mom), are going to keep me accountable.

 

This is the long view.  The next year is about getting my body back.  With no additional parties destined to inhabit it ever again, it is time to feel okay in my own skin.

 

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6 thoughts on “52

  1. I hear you Sarah.. guess what I am on the same mission. I need to get moving and eating less. I am trying to just get to a point where I feel worthy so I am going to work on the lose of inches and less about the actual pounds lost. I cannot get on the scales that really makes me stressed out. Keep posting your results and keep the faith it can be done. Thanks for sharing

  2. ….add me to your list of followers, dear girl …i love your blog …and your honesty…and you, as a person and friend, in general!xo

  3. I’m happy you shared this because I have felt similar feeling so many times (eating out of control- my number was 31, with no babies to blame) and I have had many conversations along the same lines with almost every woman I care about.
    Trust me when I say: this is an marketing/commercial epidemic and we are trying to fight it with our own individual willpower, which in turn makes us feel like failures. You can’t quit hunger.. You have to eat. And with with the number of unhealthy foods heavily outnumbering the available healthy options (not to mention the taste difference with unhealthy foods chemically enhanced to make us addicted) it can sometimes feel like we are fighting a food war daily. You are not alone.
    The effects of the war takes its toll- especially on women who are bombarded with the message that we need to look perfect in order to feel self worth.
    I assure you, the issue is much deeper than lack of self discipline. You are one of the most motivated and disciplined women that I know. you are truly gorgeous, inside and out. And your family and friends wouldnt think differently even of your number was 152. But I know that this is more of a personal issue- as it is with myself as well.
    Heres what I am working on: Next time you crave food when your body isn’t hungry ask yourself: why am I truly hungry for… because the junk food I am about to eat is not satisfying that “hunger”. The junk food does noting but give immediate gratification which is quickly replaced by shame (and the need for more immediate gratification).
    I encourage you to throw out your scale. You are so much more than this 52. The numbers will haunt youI assure you, the issue is much deeper than lack of self discipline. You are one of the most motivated and disciplined women that I know. you are truly gorgeous, inside and out. Next time you crave food when your body isn’t hungry ask yourself: why am I truly hungry for… because the junk food you are about to eat is not satisfying that hunger. The junk food does noting but give immediate satisfaction which is quickly replaced by shame (and the need for more immediate satisfaction in order to escape the shame).
    Just learn to truly listen to your body. It does not lie. If you eat when you are not hungry, it feels upset. Your body is at peace when you listen for for true hunger (not enotional hunger).
    I also listen (feel) after I eat to see how the food I just fueled myself with affects me. Am I actually satisfied, or am I feeling tired and craving more? I try to stick to the foods the do the former. This isn’t to say that I am a perfect model of health. That is far from the truth. I eat junk food most days. I have been workin on this for over a year and am still learning daily. But I am much more in tune with my body.. And much happier. I feel at peace with my choices.
    Anyway, just thought I’d share my thoughts as this is a topic I am very passionate about.

    Lots of love,
    Leslie

    1. Hey! Thanks for your thoughts. I miss our chats about these and other topics. Don’t worry, the numbers are only a guideline – I’m by no means hanging on the “52”. If it ends up being only “2” but I am making the lifestyle changes for wholistic health, I will be satisfied (truly). Hoping to see you soon.

  4. Good for you Sar! I think you’re a stunner no matter what, but we know when things aren’t right for us personally. By following your goals, it will come off easily as a symptom of healthy (spiritually and physically) living. You will inspire the rest of us to do the same!

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